Fourscore and seven years ago our forefathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.[a]

I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of…[b] I’m typing in all sorts of junk and don’t have a clue anywhere as to exactly what I’m doing!!!1

1This is the first time I have added a footnote to a Word Processor document. (Document was converted to HTML on June 14, 2000)

They’re creepy and they’re kooky, mysterious and spooky, they’re altogether ooky, the Addams Family.[c]

Tuesday, March 14, 2028. We attended the Britney Spears concert at the Kohl Center in Madison. She sang several of her old songs including “You Drive Me Crazy” and “Oops, I Did It Again.” The only new song she did was “Funky Gibberish,” but I couldn’t understand a word of it. She must have been singing in some foreign language.

To Wal-Mart (7:30 p.m.) for some blank CDs and seven gallons of water, also a book on the history of Pokémon (remember Pokémon?). Joe and Amanda came over to visit. Little Misty is getting SO big! She is talking now, and it’s hard to get her to shut up (just like her father!). — They were here until 9:55 p.m.

To market, to market, to buy a fat pig. Home again, home again, jiggety jig.[d] Jack be nimble, don’t stumble in the dark. Jack jump over Candlestick Park.[e]

(I don't think it's wise to be doing this right now because Joey would like to explore the Internet or something like that. Whatever!)

11:13 p.m. A bright light began to glow outside our window. Away to the window I flew like a flash! We have no shutters and we have no sash, so I pulled back the curtains, and what to my wondering eyes should appear but some lights in the sky that looked brilliant and queer. Astounded we were to behold in the strange lights a formation that led us to believe that it might be some sort of alien craft.

Well, we were right but we were also wrong! It was a craft, all right, but there was nothing remotely alien about it. It was in reality a craft PROJECT upon which Wendi had been working. After she completed the project, she had washed it and hung it on the clothesline to dry. Earlier that day, the city workers had installed a new street lamp on our corner, right next to our house. It failed to come on at dusk, so the repair crew had been busily working on it until exactly 11:13 p.m., when it finally burst into brightness, illuminating Wendi’s work: a giant embroidered tapestry of an alien spaceship!

A long, long time ago, as all you folks should know, Uncle Noah built himself an ark. For forty days and nights, the rain was sure a fright. The animals nearly tore his ark apart. The duck went quack, the cow went moo, the rooster went cock-a-doodle-doo. The old tomcat he raised an awful row. The old pig squealed, and the billy goat baaed. The frog said, “The biggest rain we’ve had!” Uncle Noah’s ark is a madhouse now. The horses and the cattle and the fowl of the air, even the long-eared donkey he was there. The duck went quack, the cow went moo, the rooster went cock-a-doodle-doo. They all were there on Uncle Noah’s Ark.[f]

Skinnamarinky-dinky-dink, skinnamarinky-doo, I love you. Skinnamarinky-dinky-dink, skinnamarinky-doo, I love you. I love you in the morning and in the afternoon, I love you in the evening, underneath the moon. Skinnamarinky-dinky-dink, skinnamarinky-doo, I love you![g]

Let’s see… this is only the 41st line2, and it takes 56 lines to fill up a page in this format, so I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who, who, who wrote the book of love? And now for the $64 question… what other totally hair-brained material can I use to fill up the rest of this goofy test page?3

2This document was originally created in a different font size.
3Are you kidding?!? I have enough zany material to fill a dozen pages.

I would swallow my pride, then I’d choke on the rind, but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside. I would swallow my doubt, turn it inside out, find nothing but faith in nothing. I want to put my tender heart in a blender, let it spin around to a beautiful oblivion. Rendezvous, then I’m through with you.[h]

Sunday, March 19, 2028. I am totally clueless as to what happened today. I am comatose as I type this, so the reader is advised to believe nothing, not one solitary word, of what he or she is reading. Having given this disclaimer, I will hereby begin my discourse:

This afternoon I sent a weird e-mail to my brother upstate. He received it but didn’t recognize my screen name, so he was hesitant to download my attached file. Subsequently he e-mailed me a reply, asking if it was really me who had sent him the original e-mail. I read his reply and then sent him a reply to that reply, if you get my drift. I assured him that it was indeed me, and that all was well.

You drive me crazy, I just can’t sleep. I’m so excited, I’m in too deep. Oh oh oh crazy, but it feels all right. Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night.[i]

That’s about enough of this nonsense! Now off to sunny Jamaica—I wish!!!

Sincerely yours,

Me


Footnotes

[a] The Gettysburg Address by Abraham Lincoln (1863).

[b] The song I Think I Love You by the Partridge Family (1970).

[c] Theme song from the TV series, The Addams Family.

[d] Mother Goose nursery rhyme.

[e] From a song I wrote myself in 1991, entitled Green Bay in the Summer Time. Fortunately it was never published.

[f] A children’s song entitled Uncle Noah’s Ark. It has been around for a long time; it was sung by Smiley Burnette as early as 1935, and also by Gene Autry; it may be the same song which appeared in a book entitled Folk Songs of Old Kentucky (1914–1916).
You can view a score of the song the way I learned it as a child.

[g] A children’s song entitled Skinnamarink, recently made popular by Sharon, Lois & Bram on the Elephant Show.

[h] The song Inside Out by the rock band Eve 6 (1998).

[i] The song You Drive Me Crazy by Britney Spears (1999).