Books I Haven’t Read

February 4, 2003

My dad, Victor Petitt, made up 150 phony book titles, complete with authors’ names to go with them. A few may be corny or even a little bit lame, but most of them are hilarious gems of wit. They provide only a tantalizing glimpse of Dad’s sharp sense of humor.

The original list appears on this page. I have only corrected a few spelling errors in the titles; the author names remain intact. Also, no offense is intended to racial minorities or little people.

Several of our own phoney book titles are listed at Books I Never Read on our Shorts 2002 page.

  1. Flowers and Thorns by Rose Bush
  2. The Burglar by Jimmy Locks
  3. The Rock Star by Kenny Singh
  4. The Outlaw by Robin Banks
  5. Taking a Chance by Willie Duwitt
  6. Breaking the Record by Betty Kant
  7. Ape Man by Harry Oliver
  8. The Wedding by June Bride
  9. Tornado by August Storm
  10. Spring Rain by April Showers
  11. The Doctor by Justin Case
  12. The Garden by May Flowers
  13. The Picture by Ima Painter
  14. Old Cars by Stu D. Baker
  15. World Traveler by Ben Dare
  16. The Cyclist by Sue Zuki
  17. The Sunset by Scarlet Sky
  18. The Oil Man by Tex Aco
  19. The Bouquet by Red Flowers
  20. The Weather Man by Sonny Day
  21. Cakes and Cookies by I. Emma Cook
  22. Winning by Vic Tory
  23. Christmas Time by Carol Singer
  24. Attacked in the Wild by Bob Katz
  25. Track Star by Ron Quick
  26. Money Broker by Len Mesum
  27. Horsing Around by Tom Foolery
  28. The Toy Maker by Dolly Dresser
  29. The Drunk by Al Kahol
  30. The Music Man by Sarah Nader
  31. The Teenager by Bobby Socks
  32. Road Kill by Ron Overum
  33. The Tightwad by Penny Pincher
  34. A Child’s Toy by Ted E. Bare
  35. End of the World by Hope Knot
  36. Australian Animals by Ken Garoo
  37. Country Living by Dusty Rhodes
  38. Girl Scouts by Cookie Baker
  39. Harrassment by Fannie Patter
  40. The Millionaire by Rich Mann
  41. Multi-Millionaire by Rich Err
  42. The Duplicate by Sam Ting
  43. The Prankster by Jess Foolin
  44. A Friend of the Groom by Bess Mann
  45. The Fat Lady by Ada Lott
  46. Calories by Candy Barr
  47. Chinese Taxi by Ricky Shaw
  48. Win the Lottery by May Knott
  49. Minorities by I. M. Black
  50. The Desert by Sandy Valley
  51. The Stunt Man by Manny Bumps
  52. Frogs by Lily Pond
  53. Fishing by Rod Enreel
  54. The Church by Doris Opun
  55. Pasta by Mack A. Roney
  56. Prison Camp by Barb Wyer
  57. Noise by Jack Hammer
  58. The Comic by Joe Kerr
  59. The Wood Cutter by Tim Burr
  60. The Squeaking Door by Rusty Hinges
  61. The Cold Spell by Donna Jacket
  62. The Postman Gets Through by Helen Highwater
  63. The Military by Joy Nupp
  64. The Bakery by Shari Pye
  65. The Bargain by Val Yoo
  66. Petty Crime by Miss Demeaner
  67. Close Friends by Carol Ott
  68. The Ballet Suit by Leo Tards
  69. Marsupials by Wally B.
  70. The Failure by Lou Zir
  71. The Pickpocket by Rob M. Quick
  72. Japanese Coffee by Tokyo Joe
  73. A Fairy Tale by Cindy Rella
  74. The Housewife by Kit Chen
  75. Losing Money by Will Gamble
  76. Killing Time by Wade A. Lott
  77. Learning by Ed G. Kayshin
  78. Shopping Spree by Phillip D. Cart
  79. Strolling by Jay Walker
  80. Whiskers by Fuzzy Chin
  81. Disgusting by U. R. Sik
  82. Flat Tire by Jack Upit
  83. Living Without T.V. by Ray Deo
  84. Long Hot Summer by Mel Ting
  85. Off the Mark by Mister A. Mile
  86. The Tutor by Page Turner
  87. Midgets by Tiny Fellows
  88. Bankrupt by Ben Rich
  89. The Pet Box by Kitty Litter
  90. Saint Nick by Sandy Clause
  91. Nothing to Do by Lou Sends
  92. A Helping Hand by Shirly Wood
  93. The Funeral by Paul Bearer
  94. Small For His Age by Willie Grow
  95. That’s a Good One by Jim Dandy
  96. Virginia by Carrie Mebak
  97. Tired by Tucker Dout
  98. Horn Blower by Ken Toot
  99. The Pirate by Peg Leg
  100. Long Cool Drink by Bev Rage
  101. The Visit by Pop Inagen
  102. The Holdup by Hanna Dover
  103. The Drunk Driver by Rex A. Lott
  104. Exercise by Ben Down
  105. The Sunrise by Earl E. Bird
  106. Giving Up by Chuck Itall
  107. Cute Babies by Wanda Kissum
  108. Religion by Sal Vation
  109. Man’s Best Friend by Terry Err
  110. The Funeral by Barry Debody
  111. Making Hay by Al Falfa
  112. Battery by Ray Ovac
  113. Paintings by Art Dealer
  114. The Meadow by Timothy Grass
  115. The Lion Act by Kitty Trainer
  116. The Horseman by Rhoda Lott
  117. The Coming Out Party by Debby U. Tant
  118. Condominium by Sharon Homes
  119. Contamination by Tess D. Waters
  120. Noël by Mary Holiday
  121. Believe It or Not by Horace Fedders
  122. The Forecast by Faron Colder
  123. The Nightmare by Gladys Over
  124. Heating Up by Luke Warm
  125. The Ball Player by Homer Hitter
  126. Jewelry by Ruby Ring
  127. Sky Diving by Darrin A. Jump
  128. Sleepless by Liza Wake
  129. Leprechauns by Tiny Peoples
  130. Fishing by Barry Cuda
  131. Captivity by Bon Dage
  132. Picking Up Leaves by Ray King
  133. Bird Watching by Bob O. Link
  134. Making Waves by Rock Debote
  135. Portrait Painter by Stan Still
  136. Communication by Meg A. Hertz
  137. Slimy Creatures by Liz Ard
  138. Crowning the King by Cora Nashon
  139. Goblins by Hol Oween
  140. Graduation by Sarah Moeny
  141. History by Warren Peace
  142. Blushing by Rosey Cheeks
  143. The Error by Amos Stake
  144. Missing by Van Isht
  145. Making Progress by Howie Dooin
  146. Training by Abel N. Reddy
  147. The Vote by Allen Favor
  148. Hunting Clams by Pearl Diver
  149. Freedom by Don Fensmein (editor’s note: Don’t Fence-Me-In)
  150. Funeral Director by Mort Ishen