Shorts 2001

Coffee and the Internet

Joe came up with this one.

What’s with coffee and the Internet, anyway? First there were Java programs, then JavaScript. Now there’s CoffeeCup Software too. And what about “joe”? Check out the old URL for Joe’s Portal:!


Joe made this one up too. It was first published here on October 24, 2001.

A young boy enters a store and asks the store clerk, “Do you have any gwapes?”

The store clerk says, “No, we don’t have any ‘gwapes’.”

The next day the same boy enters the store again. “Do you have any gwapes?” he asks again.

“No,” the store clerk tells him. “we don’t have any ‘gwapes’.” This time he makes a face at him.

The little boy is back again the following day. Again he sees the store clerk, and again he asks, “Do you have any gwapes?”

“NO!” the clerk snaps indignantly. “And if you ever ask me that again, I’ll staple your feet to the floor!”

The boy hangs his head and leaves the store.

A couple of days later he is back with a new question. “Do you have any staples?” he asks.

“No,” says the store clerk. “we’re completely out of staples.”

“OK then,” replies the boy. “Do you have any gwapes?”


November 18, 2001

Remember the old Burger King commercial with the jingle that said,
“Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce,
Special orders don’t upset us…”?

Well, I work as a bagger at a local grocery store, and I made up my own version:
“Bag in paper, bag in plastic,
Anything is just fantastic…”

Some customers got a real kick out of that one.

A Real Optimist

November 18, 2001

Then there’s the one about the guy who accidentally fell from the roof of a tall skyscraper. As he passed the 17th floor, he was heard to exclaim, “So far, so good!”

But guess what happened as he passed the life insurance office on the 12th floor? They handed him a check to pay off his policy! Now he was really having a good day!

If you think that one was stupid, I do too—and I made it up!


November 30, 2001

An old gentleman told me these two at the grocery store. Take them for whatever they’re worth! *

Q: What do you call fleas on a bald man’s head?
A: Homeless.

Q: Why are there no Wal-Mart stores in Afghanistan?
A: Because there’s a target on every corner.

* The old gentleman was none other than Bob Hiller, owner of Rollin Pin Bakery in Janesville, WI. (Note added February 18, 2021; the bakery was sold at auction yesterday morning.)